A Wedding Toast for the Ages

This is a wedding toast I wrote for my little sister, Paige, when she was married. I have to say, when my older sister, Alisha, and I gave the toast, IT KILLED. It was like we were in a comedy club. It was awesome. I had so many people coming up to me and saying “that’s the best wedding toast I have ever heard, and I’ve been to a lot of weddings.” People just loved it and honestly so do I. Yeah, it’s funny but it’s also full of love. I make fun of my family all the time (and they make fun of me) but in truth, we are the tightest knit family I’ve ever met. I’m truly lucky. And that’s why I knew I could give this toast.

I hope you enjoy. You should know a couple things:

  • -the speech was given in 2009 (political references)
  • -I went to school at the University of Florida
  • -At this time, Tim Tebow was playing for Florida
  • -Florida was racking up National Championships
  • -Paige went to school at the University of Georgia


Hope you have a fun read!


A Toast for the Ages

Hello to the Kearns’ and to the DuBois’ and to the friends of the Kearns’ and the DuBois’ and to all the people who just showed up for a free meal and to watch big people get married. Alisha and I didn’t know exactly what we could say about our young, beautiful, kind, doe-eyed, witty, in serious shape and could totally kick our ass baby sister, Paige. (pause) So we decided to tell the truth.

My friends, long, long ago and literally far, far away there was a time where Paige and our brother Colin did not exist. It was a magical time, a prosperous time, a time called (pause) the 1970s, or as Alisha and I like to refer to them “The Good Ole Days.”  Oh, we were ‘living the life’ overseas. Just Alisha and I, the best of friends, Irish Twins! We had it all… all the attention, all the love… and all the toys. But in 1980 that dream came to screeching halt. The truth is, and I remember this quite clearly, that when my mother told My sister was quite excited but I was sad and pouty. It was an acceptable turn of events. When my mother asked me what was wrong, I said, “But I like being the youngest.”  It’s true. Even then I could see the politics of the family changing. I was a very politically savvy child… like a tiny Hillary Clinton.

But, I decided Colin was okay. After all he was a boy and that meant that, technically, I was still the youngest girl.  Then in 1982, after what I can only imagine was some kind of marital foul up, they told us our Mother was pregnant again.  Once again all eyes turned to me for a reaction.  I faked my fakiest of fakest smiles while internally pondering my fate of being a true middle child. Not the oldest, not the youngest, not the only boy, just in the middle. Think of this, like Hillary just before the 2008 Democratic National Convention.  Basically, I was going to be the Secretary of State of our family.

I like to think of mine and Alisha’s life in the 1980’s like a music video, with a sound track from Duran Duran or Prince. In this video there are two frowning teenaged girls being forced to wring out their little sister’s poopy cloth diapers in the toilet. Then those girls are made to do a crazy long list of chores by their mother while their carefree little brother and sister gleefully walked behind them pouring red juice onto the carpet.  Then the two girls meet two super cute British rock stars and they go to Rio and dance on the sand….I’m sorry, I realize now that some of this fantasy could be saved for a later time. Anyway, our point is we had to do a lot of chores. But what got us through these many years of labor was the thought that one day this ‘chore torch’ would be passed down to Paige along with  the many many many many many rules that were in the Kearns Handbook of Rules. But, evidently, after 18 years of, let’s call it enforcement, our mother decided that she was too “tired” to continue this policy with her sweet, beautiful, youngest daughter.

Now we’re not saying we held a grudge. I didn’t. I mean I tried.  But she was so damned cute with the funny giggles and those big eyes and those dimples. Those dimples are like grudge erasers. Right Matt? You must have figured that out by now.

And so, as I feared, Paige ascended to position of the most spoiled person in the family. The position that I had wanted so badly. She always got her way with Mom. And when she started signing all of her cards, ‘your baby girl.’ I finally had to give it to her.  Like Hillary to Obama, I had to admit, the kid was good. But she’s not perfect. I’ll tell you something, she has terrible taste in music. So true. Paige has an Ashley Simpson CD in her car. I saw it people. I did. It burned my left eye.  And even though she was born in Florida, for some reason she has chosen not to support the 3 time National Championship Florida Gators led by Superman himself. Instead she likes some backwards team from some other state. I think it’s JORBA…or JORGA. It’s not important.

In closing, I would like to address our newest family member, Matt. Matt when you look at a family portrait of the group you’ve just married into a couple of things will pop out to you. First we’re incredibly tall. We almost look made up. Like super heroes… or like those Elves from the Lord the Rings.  On that score you’ll fit right in. Though, you will be the only ginger-haired elf in the Kearns forest. The second thing you’ll notice is something that Colin, Brian and Thuan have discovered and that you will too…this family is, and always has been, ruled by women. If you think I’m wrong just look into our brother Colin’s eyes around Christmas time. He has that look that prisoners or soldiers get. It’s called inevitability. Just accept it… it will be easier.  But seriously…don’t be afraid, welcome to the family. You’ve got a beautiful new wife, who is positively glowing tonight, and that’s because you make her so happy. Keep it that way and you won’t have any trouble.  We love you both so very much. Cheers!

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