THINGS ARE IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL THEY’RE NOT

Quote from Jean-Luc Picard, TNG: When the Bough Breaks

 

I’ve been frozen as of late. Having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. I have wonderful excuses and they are all true. There have been productive, positive accomplishments this year. I wrote a solo show, Obsessively Okay, this year to perform in May at a Festival. I received rave reviews for that show. Although, before my 1st performance I got ill. I still did all my shows. Actors always push through in moments of illness, we find it strangely inspiring. I was sick for 10 weeks after that which led to deep depression, anxiety and this feeling of being frozen. I’m healthy now (well, somewhat healthy) but the depression and anxiety have found some damn good hiding places in my brain. Fuckers.

I’ve accepted that depression and anxiety are part of my make up so I’m not going to fight them. Just learn to co-exist with them. They’re always there, I can just see them now, fingers wiggling in their ears and squealing, “Nanny nanny boo-boo. You can’t follow through-hoo, There nothing you can do-hoo” Once again, they are fuckers.

So, now I’ve begun to thaw while trying to co-exist with these dick faces. Here’s the thing, I’ve some great opportunities coming up. Things that I made happen and if I don’t get this co-existing to a balanced place then I’m royally fucked.

I started my storytelling show, 5 Truths and a Lie, with my husband in my living room November 2010. Did that for a few months, then an art gallery invited us to do our show with them. (for free!)  Right now, it’s July 31, 2013. Over the past 2 ½ years, We’ve recorded over 30 shows, taken the show to Portland and to the 2012 and 2013 Orlando International Fringe Festival. We began recording our show and have over 100,000 downloads. Not bad for folks who are getting paid to put it together.

So here’s the frozen thing. Everything is still moving forward. I worked hard and networked (which is never easy for me) and got some heavy hitters for our next show. Namely, Denise Crosby whom I have a nerd crush on. (Did I use “whom” correctly? I don’t care, this is a blog not a piece of literary genius). THEN, my dear friend, Meghan Moroney, put a little seed in my ear, “Why don’t you do a panel at Dragon*Con with your show?” What? Me do a panel at Dragon*Con. Very funny, I’m always sit in the audience at the Cons! I’m never on the other side. Besides, that sounds impossible, everyone will laugh in my face a call me a fraud. (The above sentence is my first go-to thought whenever faced with an opportunity. Awesome, right?)

But then I thought about it and knew if I networked I could get in touch with the folks that run the podcast track. I mean, I have met some great, connected folks over the last couple years (thanks again to Meghan Moroney). Networking sounded daunting and scary but I would be mad at myself if I didn’t try because that would mean those bastards Depression and Anxiety would win.

So after laying in a fetal position for a few days believing that no one would respond to me, I got a burst of confidence. Now, I know my bursts, they are like an hourglass. They will time out. So, I had to get cracking! I started emailing and messaging and made myself sound awesome. Within one day I find my show, 5 Truths and a Lie, on the podcast track schedule at Dragon*Con. Then within a week I get Veronica Belmont, James Urbaniak, Jane Espenson, Joseph Scrimshaw, Phil Lamarr and Brad Bell on my panel. I did it! Those are great people! I actually pulled this shit together and I know this show is going to be great. I mean, it’s kinda like a nerd dream come true. Oh who am I kidding, it is a nerd dream come true.

But the hourglass ran out last week and that little burst of confidence succumbed to those bastard faces D & A. Since then, like I said, I’ve been frozen But I did feel a little thaw today and that means maybe the hour glass is going to reset again. I hope so. I hope I can continue to acknowledge that this is something that I did (with the help of others of course), that I thought this whole thing was impossible but as Picard once said, “Things are impossible until they’re not.” And right now, they are not.

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